Tag Archives: sex toys

Telephone Tits

You might ask, exactly what are — telephone tits?

I’m glad you asked. It allows me to expound on one of my favorite subjects, historical advertising trivia!

Okay, I have through a gazillion photos looking for the Bell Telephone ad that ran in the early 70’s. It was featured in a mid 70’s edition of Hustler magazine. It was cited in the book “Subliminal Seduction”. And I have been unable to locate it. It showed a woman holding one of the old wooden box phones that had an attached microphone and an earpiece on a cord. It had two bells on the front. Guess where they were on the model. RING those bells, we have a winner!

BTW, my searches also yielded this,
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ak.buzzfeed.com%2Fstatic%2F2015-01%2F14%2F15%2Ftmp%2Fwebdr10%2F937f35121dc696b11dd94654938f5359-10.png&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailydot.com%2Fvia%2Fsigns-that-craigslist-ad-is-fake%2F&docid=udHSVOZK_hly1M&tbnid=rBzkrmGuU8Z72M%3A&vet=1&w=568&h=251&bih=659&biw=1366&ved=0ahUKEwjD_8vhsa_QAhVp2oMKHbPpD1M4hAcQMwhRKE4wTg&iact=mrc&uact=8

I don’t duck the issues!

Reach out and touch someone!
Touch!
You might be surprised at their response be it a squeak or a giggle.

Wild

is your phone on vibrate?

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On Point

As if.

As if I ever stay on point.

What is the point?

Get to the point!

Stay on point!

OUCH! FUCK YOU!

It is not natural to stay on point. It is ego that pushes staying on point. If not the dancer’s ego then the ego of the teacher or parents.

But isn’t ego why we push ourselves in any endeavor?

Yes

Is ego bad?

Mostly.

In grade school I was the best at math, science, spelling, and almost anything except gym.

That made me egotistical.

I’m still egotistical.

BUT NOW I KNOW I AM NOT THE BEST AT THINKING.

But I haven’t given up at thinking either. I think about a lot of things.

It is better to look down a woman’s shirt than to see her boobs clearly.
It is better to watch a cancan dance than to see the undergarments without the dancing.

An emotional connection is the best ever.

A physical connection will do for the moment. Hey, masturbation doesn’t even require that. If you can at least help someone else to get off that should be a bonus. Think! They came because of what you did! Good job!!!

Was it the best cum of their life?

See! That’s where it all falls apart!

Would life be better as an incubus/succubus?

Wild

Vanilla?, No, Chocolate? Maybe Neapolitan? Chunky Monkey?

I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream for Ice Cream.

*****DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER******

Adult themes ahead so there might be adolescent language!

I was discussing the purity test on another site. She asked me, “Am I Vanilla?”

Things that make you go hmm. Vanilla ice cream is an excellent go with. Chocolate ice cream has those flavonoids that are so delightful. Neapolitan is the dairy version of a threesome.

Chunky Monkey. Wow, where to go with that. The mind reels. I once saw a lesbian clip titled “Bumping Monkeys”. That was one clip using that unusual euphemism. Try saying, or typing, unusual euphemism three times.

I have heard the word monkey used as a racial slur. I don’t use it as a racial slur. Slurring your racial comments makes one sound like a drunk bigot.

Chunky monkey ice cream is banana ice cream with walnuts. A *Looong banana*, and it has nuts at one end. The cream is deliciously sweet. It *might* have a cherry on top, N’est pas.

I saw a documentary about ice cream and sno-cones. In Hawaii there’s a place that offers to put chili beans at the bottom of your snowcone. Morimoto did that on Iron Chef also.

Some people ask to be eaten and then get mad when you chew.

Zappa de-do-da

Wild

Yeah, I’m pretty vanilla.

I Attempted to Make a Bung Wrench. I Failed

Bung wrenches open bung holes. They are not medical devices. That is not speculation. That would just be speculums.

Ba-bum! drumbeat there

Opening drums is done by removing the bung from the bung hole. That is not always easy without a bung wrench. Now I wasn’t opening any drums the other day, but I was working on a Major Fawcett problem. My kitchen faucet was dripping and I decided to fix it. I’ll quote what I posted on Facebook.

Worked on a project today. My kitchen faucet has been dripping for awhile. If it’s not much it isn’t a big deal in Iowa. It just makes it that much less likely your pipes will freeze. The drip rate recently got worse and I decided to replace it. *I* had installed the current faucet myself 20 years and 6 weeks ago. Yes I know that. I’m kind of anal about record keeping. I looked at it. I went to Blains and bought a new one. Looking at it I remembered thinking that it would be a good idea to spend a little more and get a more solidly made one with more brass and less plastic. Today my thought was, the major part of this project will be getting the old faucet out. After that I should be able to install, clean it up and leak check in about a half an hour. I was absolutely right. The first three hours consisted of laying on my back in a mixture of windex, Mr Clean, floor soap, interspersed with holding tools in contorted positions with water, rust, lime scale, and tools falling on my head. The last half hour was installing and cleaning. The extra money I had spent on brass had ended up going for corrosion instead. That was one tough faucet to get out. I really don’t plan on living long enough to have to do it again. By then it would kill me if I wasn’t already dead.

So, what does that have to do with bung wrenches? The locking nuts on the bottom of the faucet had a shape that reminded me of bungs I had removed from barrels of other stuff. I don’t own my own bung wrench. I tried to cobble something that looked like a bung wrench. It did look right. But it was not strong enough.

I finished the job without having to fix any new leaks, no leaks runs or errors!

The next day my arms were sore any time I put my arms up over me. So I didn’t keep doing that. Some people put their arms up quite a lot. Some people are into BD/SM too. Not me though, it’s just not my thing. I have read about it and talked to a few people that were into it. I am into reading and talking. In the mid 70’s Club magazine had so-so pictorials but really weird articles. It provided a drastic stark difference between the people that said “I read it for the articles” and the people who ACTUALLY did read it for the articles. It was amusing to ask the former group if they had read Karl Steiner’s column. It didn’t matter which answer they gave I would ask them, “Well what’s his column about in that issue?” I almost always enjoyed that gag.

Karl Steiner is a very common name. I had trouble finding any references to quote. The following sites include the table of contents for various issues. Beyond that I don’t know much about them. On some pictures you can also read the cover headlines.

http://www.myerscollectibles.com/store/item/1d0vp/Mens_Magazines/Club_Magazine_Vol_1_1_February_1975.html

http://www.magizine.org/CLUBmagCLUB197603.htm

http://www.magizine.org/CLUBmagCLUB197606.htm

Wild

Paraphilia, Feel Ya Pair

As word play I realize that’s reaching. Inappropriate reaching is a paraphilia. I’m sure of it.

I’m a guy. Guy’s think about sex almost constantly. Today a coworker walked by and I thought, her tits didn’t used to be that big. I’ve known her 27 years. We’ve never worked the same shift, and I don’t know her real well. Like I said, I’m a guy. I’m going to notice the bounce. So then I wonder, are they real? In addition to being horny and aged, I can be philosophical. What IS real? Is a dildo or vibrator real? What about a cockring? Lingerie? Jewelry? If your nipples are pierced does that make them non-real? I once heard a psychiatrist on a telecourse that there were only so many orifices and protuberances on the body and nothing was as kinky as it’s practitioners thought. That’s not true anymore. People get body modification surgery and create new ones.

So what is really real. Probably whatever floats your boat. Adornment is intended to make you feel sexy. If you feel sexy others will probably find you sexy as well. If they don’t that’s their problem. If the adornment needs to be extreme, well, you might have issues. Some issues are collectables. The lady in question had breast cancer a number of years ago so maybe maybe she had some augmentation to feel better. That’s her business. If so, I hope it worked for her. I’ll appreciate the bounce for the same reason climbers go up Everest, because it’s there.

I could stop here. But wouldn’t it be fun to keep going?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias

Quite the list there. Wow. All the bases are covered right?

Maybe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_technical_terms_for_nonparaphilic_sexual_interests

Okay okay, maybe not.

I almost titled this “Money and Sex” I would have went here first.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lovemap

Sometimes I can’t help but get pervy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perversion

What a way to end
Wild

After 50 Sub Sandwiches What Color is Your Mustard?

Do you want the meat on the top, bottom, or middle?

Do you want Ham, Chicken, Turkey, or beefcake?

Horsemeat has to be reined in to prevent unbridled passion, but a little ass is okay.

Dodos are extinct but there might be some in the metaphorical/political pantry.

In the event of choking remember the Heine Lick maneuver.

Eat At Joe’s

Joe’s Garage that is.

Wild

Do You Want a Whopper?

Hands free? Can you manage it? Joe’s Garage and Dong Work for Yuda come flying into my mind. “Well how much did he wave?”

BK have it your way. They’ve introduced a hands free whopper.

Does that include chocolate syrup, honey, whip cream, or maybe high fructose corn syrup {Karo}?

http://foxnewsinsider.com/2013/05/31/burger-kings-hands-free-whopper-commercial-debuts

Not often I quote Fox News, in this case I would call it a feed bag.

Now that your hands are free, whatya goin to do with ’em?