Monthly Archives: February 2013

Rant Time

Sometimes ya just gotta vent. Makes me wonder why I read the news. And that’s another rant, why must some sites insist on playing videos? I prefer to READ the news, don’t start playing clips right away, especially multiple clips simultaneously, are you listening ABCnews?

Really believe in treating your employees well huh. Loyalty and respect work both ways.–abc-news-celebrities.html

You’re really concerned with the constitutional rights of a nine year old. And talk to Brooke Shields about the racism complaint, I’m sure she never got any flak for Blue Lagoon or her other early movies.–for-having-premarital-sex-8513293.html

Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it, it’s the girls fault obviously. You know some people say these Islamists want to turn back the clock 1000 years. No, a thousand years ago they were more tolerant than Europe. That’s like claiming the custom of firing guns into the air to celebrate a wedding has always been there. No it wasn’t, what did they do before guns were invented, and full auto guns have only been around a little over 100 years.

You know what the kicker is on this story? One word, CAPTURE, he wasn’t captured he was killed. They don’t have to pay.

Okay, enough rant, AB tells me I need to get laid. {she’s not here though, maybe I’ll jack off instead. It’s the thought that counts} In any case I’ll be funny next post, I won’t mention any black helicopters or conspiracy theories.


Someone’s Knocking at the Door, Chop,Dead Girl

That could be one title. It’s not though. It’s 3 different movies. Different as in WEIRD. They have some overlapping cast and crew. In and of itself that isn’t all that unusual. Lots of British comedies use the same actors and actresses. John Waters has a cult following and he used to use the same people. He might have had to find some new ones though, Divine and Edith Massey I think are both dead. King Kong and The Most Dangerous Game had a lot of overlap and that was made in the 30’s.

How weird? People that know me don’t ask that very often. In John Waters’ films it’s easy to see why he used the same people. You couldn’t pay actors enough to do those things, you have to find people who are into that. I won’t go into the gory details, but if you can avoid retching he has some interesting themes and dialog. For instance, in Pink Flamingos a couple vying for the title of filthiest people alive kidnap young female hitchhikers and then force their gay chauffeur to get them pregnant so that they can sell the babies to lesbian couples. NO I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP, and I have no quarrel with gays and lesbians. In Female Trouble Mr Waters has an actress that is probably pushing 50 portray a 14 year old. {not a convincing performance}. When she walks in on her mom and mom’s boyfriend, the boyfriend says, “Why don’t you come over and suck your daddy’s cock.” She replies, “You’re not my daddy and I wouldn’t suck your dick if I was drowning and your balls were full of oxygen.” Gotta love dialog like that.

SKATD was kind of hard to really follow, kind of a possession movie. Didn’t really like the movie, but I like the guy who played the detective. He had roles in the other two movies. Chop had him playing “the Stranger”. He tries to jog Lance’s memory by cutting off appendages. Dead Girl is a zombie movie. Two guys find a zombie and the one guy wants to fuck her, but the other guy is not interested at least partly because she smells like rotten meat. That doesn’t stop the horny guy from selling passes to other teenage guys so they can fuck her too. I’m skeptical about a high school filled with necrophiliacs that don’t mind rotting putrefying flesh.

I’m going to throw in “Five Across The Eyes”. Why? Because it should be thrown. It’s only a few years old, has a cast of 6 and a budget of $4000. For some unknown and unexplained reason these 5 girls are on their way home from a game, and they happen to have the one girl’s dad along in his urn. At one point his ashes get spilled and one of the girls gets some in her mouth. The dialog is very difficult to follow in this movie. She asks her friend if she’s sure that it’s her dad in the urn because they didn’t taste like her aunt’s ashes {!?!?!} Later they dump dad on the floor and use his urn as a container when they siphon gas. { nothing to add to that, what could I say?}

30 DOLLARS, the money just rolls in for this film,


A Rose by any Other Name

What is a name, it is not hand nor foot nor any other part belonging to a man.

What part do you suppose she’s talking about?

Kate Winslet is hot. {Rose on Titanic}

Bette Midler is hot {at least to guys my age} {star of the movie The Rose}

Pete Rose, I wouldn’t bet on it. {Cmon people, it’s a joke. He didn’t get into the hall of fame because he gambled on baseball games.}

Emily Rose, A demon fuck would be interesting, but I wouldn’t sell my soul for it. Those demons can really twist into some kinky positions.

There are probably lots of pubs with the word rose in the name. I used to drink Guinness Stout once in a while. I still like the taste but even a little bit will give me a pounding headache. There was a tavern here that would make a layered drink with Guinness on the bottom and a light lager on top.

Tom Lehrer used to sing a song called Masochism Tango and he talked about her holding a rose in her teeth with the thorns underneath. {he has a collection of articles that refer to him as the late Tom Lehrer, but last I heard he was still alive. If you enjoyed the songs on “The Electric Company” as a kid, you were listening to Tom.}


I Don’t Sleep With Someone Just Because They’re Not As Bad As Hitler

Sure, OUTside.

At what point did it seem like a good idea to set the patient on fire.

There are hookers playing horseshoes in the backyard {not SIC}

There’s a burglar taking a shower

I broke into this house, took a shower, now the owners are home and I’m scared to come out.

What do the above comments have in common? First of all they’re hilarious. And they were all on TV.

I don’t sleep with someone… was Cameron on House.

Sure, outside. was from Barney Miller and the context was, a gun/weapons collector is burglarized and his collection stolen. Weird weapons get used around the city and a bank robber uses a bazooka to rob a bank. They don’t believe it’s a real bazooka. He shoots and the back blast knocks out all the windows. The perp is talking to Wojo and says, I had no idea it would be so loud. Did you ever shoot one of those? Wojo replies, yeah in Vietnam. Perp says, sure outside. {that line caught me off-guard and with expressions and all, I consider it to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard on TV}

… on fire, from House again. The team uses a defibrillator on a patient in an O2 atmos.

Hookers, paraphrased from a 911 call segment on Leno. I looked for a clip but couldn’t find one. Drunk guy calls 911 about people in his backyard playing horseshoes and not being willing to leave. Operator asks him if he knows who they are. He says Hookers. Operator tells cop, cop calls back and tells operator the people behind the caller are named Hooker. I think this is probably the second funniest thing I’ve ever heard on TV.

Shower stuff, more 911 from Leno.

No, I don’t sit around watching TV all day. It took decades to amass that list. I was having a discussion with someone about bias in broadcasting. My point was that there will always be filtering because you can’t absorb everything. Even with all the avenues of expression out there, not everything gets highlighted. That’s a good thing because there is an awful lot of bad entertainment out there. Cable TV killed standup because you didn’t have to be funny to get air time. And what I found really annoying were people who thought swearing equaled funny. There has to be a joke in there SOMEWHERE.

This guy doesn’t swear, but he’s funny and even he has trouble not laughing.

Round and Round

It’s been unusual at work lately.

He was a truck driver that dropped off stuff in the morning. He died in the bathroom at our office. It took awhile to get the steel door open, the bathroom door deadbolt doesn’t open with the key.

At least she got a few years of retirement. My dad was a Letter Carrier and he managed to get 9 years of retirement.

I like Mike. He was easy going and had a good sense of humor.

Sometimes people end up bleeding when they die. Harley hit his nose when he fell. At least this time I didn’t have to clean up the blood. I have had to clean it up when people have been injured. At least dying at work spares your family of the trauma of finding you. Dying quickly doesn’t give your family time to say goodbye. Dying slowly makes your family watch you deteriorate.


That’s Crazy Talk {!?!}

I have a friend that I’ve never met, actually I have several. I use the term friend loosely because I don’t know if he likes me or just tolerates me. But look how many friends some people have on Facebook, do you even know that many people? I borrowed the last half of that from Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin makes a whole bunch of little snowmen, each one is supposed to represent someone he doesn’t like that way he can stomp on them to relieve tension. Hobbes looks out over the multitude of snowmen, and says “Do you even know this many people?”

And we get on Teo’s case about an imaginary girlfriend, remember “George Glass” from the Brady Bunch?

Anyway, Deuce wrote a post that triggered some thoughts. I don’t usually quote somebody directly unless they are in the public domain. But here goes, Deuce wrote: QUOTE

Speaking of which one time my gal pal said to me “Careful , if you drink out of my bottle you might get my germs .” Seems like an odd thing to say to someone who just had their tongue up your butt . I don’t know why I like rimming so much , but I do . Still I should stop – no good can come from it healthwise . Of course the same is true of most things sexwise . Stupid sex being unhealthsome .
The mind reels with a multitude of possible comments. I’ve seen people who didn’t want to use a partner’s silverware to “Try a bite”, I’ve seen people be squeamish about picking up a person’s chewing gum after commenting how hot that person was, and lot’s of people don’t want to use a partner’s toothbrush.

Think that’s crazy? People are irrational. What, I’m not irrational you say. I put this in the Pythagoras category because irrational means not rational. Rational means expressible as a ratio. Ratios are fractions. How many people like doing fractions? Okay, here’s a math problem. Joe has 1/5, John offers to multiply it by three if Joe invites his girlfriend over. What do they have? Answer: A drunken threesome, at 1/5 each that’s a lot of booze.

Math doesn’t need to be hard, but mathematicians do.

From Wiki QUOTE
In 458 BC, he returned to Sicily for the last time, visiting the city of Gela where he died in 456 or 455 BC. It is claimed that he was killed by a tortoise that fell out of the sky when dropped by an eagle; however, this story is very likely apocryphal.[19] Aeschylus’s work was so respected by the Athenians that after his death, his were the only tragedies allowed to be restaged in subsequent competitions.[11] His sons Euphorion and Euæon and his nephew Philocles also become playwrights.[11]

The inscription on Aeschylus’s gravestone makes no mention of his theatrical renown, commemorating only his military achievements:

I think tortoises are strictly land animals and turtles venture back and forth. Makes you wonder what the person was drinking when they saw {or thought up} that.

He died during the 143rd Olympiad (208–204 BC) at the age of 73.[1] Diogenes Laërtius gives two different accounts of his death.[13] In the first account, Chrysippus was seized with dizziness having drunk undiluted wine at a feast, and died soon after. In the second account, he was watching a donkey eat some figs and cried out: “Now give the donkey a drink of pure wine to wash down the figs”, whereupon he died in a fit of laughter. His nephew Aristocreon erected a statue in his honour in the Kerameikos.[14] Chrysippus was succeeded as head of the Stoic school by his pupil Zeno of Tarsus.[15]


And you thought teabagging was the worst thing to happen when drunk. And before any conservatives blow up at me, I’m talking about the previous meaning of teabagging.