Category Archives: Telemachus

Too wimpy to get even without help

Imaginary Friends And Fantasy Lovers

Initially one might think imaginary friends are good. T.S.Eliot and R.L.Stevenson come to mind. However not all authors are immediately recognized by their initials. My favorite humorist was (or is, depending on whether you consider the subject of this sentence to be the individual, ie past tense, or if the subject is “My favorite” ergo present tense. And getting presence/presents can be tense. Just ask paranormal explorers) J.K.J.. I mean Jerome Klapka Jerome. He wrote “Three Men In A Boat.” It was hilarious, and I would never have discovered it had it not been for the arrogance of Robert Graves. I became enamored of Robert Graves after watching the Masterpiece Theatre version of I, Claudius. Then I read the book. It was even better. I became convinced that it was far better to see dramatic performances before reading the book. The book is ALWAYS better. Therefor seeing the performance after the book is a letdown. Reading the book after viewing is a wonderful expansion. I started reading whatever I could find by Robert Graves. Up until I read The Antigua Stamp. I viewed it as a battle between two evils. One was an exceptionally clever evil person, the other was an idiot. My sympathies went to the idiot. “Bless his heart, he just didn’t know any better.” Well, yes he did. He just wasn’t very good at being evil. Mr Graves mocked JKJ in that story. So I read Three Men In A Boat, to say nothing of the dog. It was written in 1889.

You might ask how that all relates to imaginary friends? A great author becomes like a friend you enjoy listening to. If they are dead that means they must be imaginary. That is, unless you are one of those paranormal explorers.

Unless you go to the Dark Side, there you might only IMAGINE that they are friends. They could be plotting your downfall. Or at least your extreme embarrassment. That could be called the “Drama Club”.

Fantasy Lovers. That is very subjective. As in, what is the subject of that sentence. Is that about people who love fantasies, or is it about people who have fantasies about lovers?

Go ahead and regale me with tales of tail.


Could Clytemnestra Contract Chlamydia Chewing Gum?

She would have to be coordinated enough to do more than walk while chewing gum.

Ted must be short for Agamemnon, and Barbara must a nickname for Cassandra.

Clytemnestra being a Greek wouldn’t have liked Trojans.

Wrigleys wasn’t around back then although chicle was. But that was half a world away. And it was similar to latex. If that was a problem for her she might be more likely to get chlamydia. And chlamydia is from the GREEK meaning “Cloak” so see what can happen if you don’t wear a raincoat in the shower.

And you thought history was boring.

Satyrical Post; Do Onions Affect Nymph Loads


Curiosity has me wondering what kind of responses I would get if I left this as a one word post.

Nymphs are supposed to be female demigods so “Their” loads could refer a load of nymphs {how many nymphs can dance on the head of a penis}. It could refer to the loads inspired by them, either by quantity, or by quantity, or by quality. Quantity could refer to the number of loads donated. Quantity could refer to the number of donors.
Quantity could refer to the size of each donation.
Quantity could even refer to the number of donations per donor.

And then there is quality. Do you REALLY want to go there? Stay hydrated.

Are you SURE you really really want to go there?

Before 1970, yes 1970, ancient history to some, ancient history in terms of modern porn, yesterday to older folks, a second ago in the history of humans with porn, the term “Bukkake” referred to a method of cooking noodles by splashing them with hot water. It was a verb. Perhaps a re-verb if done more than once by musicians. Curious trains of thought derail and ask the question, I wonder if anybody has added cornstarch to loads to make real noodles? Some fake loads were made using egg whites and cornstarch. Raw, of course, actresses often grimaced when holding the mixture in their mouth.

Onion, a pungent tuber know for tricking readers, particularly enjoyed if they trick news people. I used to date a woman that always complained that I ate too many onions before a date. I would try brushing and mouthwash right before the date, but then I think she knew BECAUSE of the mouthwash. Years later, my wife would hate when I would pick a chive growing in the yard and eat it before kissing.


Another Link In The Chain

I could go in sooo many different directions with that one. It could be like “Another Brick in the Wall” only darker, {Black Floyd?}. It could be whips and chains kinky. Or I could be cleaning a rifle thinking how nice it is to be at the top of the food chain.

I haven’t been hunting in almost 20 years. I prefer not to do much killing. If I can get meat in a store I really don’t feel a need to kill it myself.

But is that really better? It’s more sanitized for me, but factory farms aren’t particularly nice for the animals. Is it better from their standpoint to run around free until they happen to cross paths with a predator? Is being shot a more pleasant death than being eaten alive? Anybody who has watched a cat play with a small animal has to wonder. And what about injury and disease or starving to death? Kobe beef cattle live a pampered life I’ve heard. Drinking beer and getting massaged by Japanese people doesn’t sound so bad. Here in the States the animals raised as 4H projects are probably the best treated non-pets. They aren’t free to do what they want, but they are pretty comfortable. Pets have a relatively pleasant life usually. Certainly I would consider it more pleasant than NOT being a pet.

So how do we view that freedom as a human? You want the state to take care of you? If you’re born rich it’s unlikely your parents are going to let you starve or be eaten by predators. What’s that? We’re at the top of the food chain you say. Really? There might be some predators that haven’t heard that. But very few people get eaten in cities, at least in a non-sexual way. But some aspects of life in the herd or hood require a degree of cooperation. Free medical care, why would I want to pay for that? The same reason public health departments were created. You’re part of a herd not an individual on an island. An alpha individual might lead a herd for a while, but that never lasts. Sooner or later the alpha changes, and individuals on the way out don’t usually fare as well as the rest of the herd. In a perfect world you don’t have jealousy. In an imperfect one you have robbery, swindling, and exploitation because someone isn’t happy with what they have. You might share. They might not.

But let’s get back to that food chain business. The bird eats the ants. The bird dies. The ants eat the bird.

The herbivore eats the plants. The carnivore eats the herbivore {in a totally non-sexual way of course}. The carnivore dies and rots. The plants absorb the carnivore.

The sun runs low on hydrogen and goes into a red giant phases. The surface expands beyond the orbit of Earth.

Maybe I should go fishing instead?


Cetaceans Vs Crustaceans, Prawn Wars for the Krill of it

Not much of a war really, the cetaceans have a whale of a time, and the krill are tiny. A really big one would be…., oh, a Jumbo Shrimp. That’s an oxymoron. I can’t help wondering if idiots aflame would have the same impact. When the lightbulb breaks the filament oxidizes rapidly and the ideas fade to darkness.

It is better to light a single candle than curse the darkness. The final panel of that Peanuts strip was black with Lucy saying, “Stupid Darkness.” Thank You Mr Schultz.

In times of doubt and uncertainty, one should reflect on the absolutes of life.

I refer to death and taxes

A Trivial Incivility

Okay, what’s the deal with the 22 cal rimfire cartridges? I have a feeling some of you would tell me it’s a conspiracy. The government is buying up all the ammo. Yeah I’ve heard that before. REALLY? How much ammo can the big companies produce? Ya think the Guvmint is gonna buy it all? I can find plenty of centerfire ammo. The government isn’t buying all of that. Maybe it’s a conspiracy to get people to buy bigger guns. I’m not real big on conspiracy theories. It’s kind of like conspiracies to commit grand crimes. Someone always talks. That’s why grand conspiracies don’t work. But you never know they might be willing to sell you a map to buried pirate treasure. One-Eyed Willie sailed away at the end of Goonies.

Last time I checked you could buy a black powder replica kit without filling out any paperwork. It’s not a firearm until you assemble it. Some people might scoff at a revolver or a pepperbox. You only get one shot with that muzzle loader. Well yeah maybe you only NEED one shot. They worked pretty well in the Civil War. I would consider it incivility to shoot at someone, even with a muzzle loader. Maybe a cordial war would be nicer. Cordials are alcoholic beverages, even if they did shoot they would be less likely to hit their target after a few cordials.

Belle Boyd was not a Hooker. Hookers were the ladies following Gen. Fightin’ Joe Hooker. I had heard of hookers before. Actually Jay Leno used to do a segment with 911 calls. This obviously drunk guy calls 911 and says there are people playing horseshoes in his back yard and they won’t leave. The dispatcher asks him if he knows who they are. “Yes, they’re Hookers.” The dispatcher says she’ll send someone over. A little later the cop calls dispatch. “The guy with people playing horseshoes in his back yard, their last name is Hooker.” Belle Boyd was a Confederate spy. I had heard that she would seduce Union Officers and then get information from them and relay it south. She was captured, jailed, traded for other prisoners, captured again, then released. Now I may have been listening to a conspiracy nut, but I did hear that she spied for the Union to get her freedom the second time. I might be wholly wrong in that. Wiki says I’m wrong. In any case…

I’m not gonna worry about it.

When this song came out in the 80’s they played it TO DEATH. I didn’t think I would ever want to hear it again.


Contempt Of Court And Other Dating Hazards

“Froggy went a courtin’ He did ride uh-huh.” Woo Coo, I mean ribbet. Language changes in the strangest ways. Sometimes it’s even weirder when it stays the same.

If you don’t like tennis is it contempt of court?

If you date someone for rational reasons does that mean you’re using carbon-14 to find out how old they are?

Why is Sue on the courts so much?

If you take a deposition from someone do you depose them? This one was actually in the local paper. It really bugged me when the reporter said they deposed some witness. Really? When did he take power?

When chemists form a labor organization and reduce free electrons how do they pronounce Unionize?

How do Bill collectors get money from people not named William?

My day is off to a roaring start, so sayeth Leo


AAAGH! You Stupid Idiot! Why Did You Do That?!

Nothing to worry about. It’s just a bit of self-abuse. I’ll have make-up sex with myself later.

I was going through my checkbook the other day, and I noticed that I didn’t have a check for house insurance recently in the register. That’s odd I thought. I went and looked through the duplicates. Nope not their either. So I called my Ins. Agent. The agent called the company and they said they sent me a bill Apr 22. I looked some more, didn’t find it. Got home from work looked some more still, and still didn’t find it. Now I vaguely remembered seeing it though. Getting close to bedtime, I look to see how my supply of blank checks is. Low and behold there is the bill in with the blank checks. I think I must’ve thought that I would use up the pad in my checkbook and find the bill when I refilled it. Stupid mistake that was bugging me for two days. I hate it when I leave something in a special spot knowing that I couldn’t possibly forget about it, and then do.

Never really had a good grasp on make up sex, Fuck the Mascara, Fuck the foundation, Rouge is a cool name but I wouldn’t go on about it til I’m red in the face. Lipstick just sounds soo dirty.

Hustler magazine was the first one to “Show Pink.” Kinda gives new meaning to being in the Pink. I could speculate about a speculum, I don’t know how to specu-early though. We could have a Pabst Beer and talk about it.


1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,… The Amazing Karnak!

Placing envelope next to turban,
Prediction, I’ve never seen anything quite like that before.

Opens envelope, Things the Dr says that can make you really worry.

The joke was mine, the caricature was Johnny Carson’s. I watched Johnny for a lot of years until Jay took over. One of the things I liked about Johnny was his having Guest Hosts on whenever he went on vacation. It gave you a sample of other styles.

In math class we learned about the Fibonacci numbers. Whoa, non sequitur, how did we get there? The Carson act was called the “Amazing Carnac”, the Fibonacci sequence was used in the contruction of the Temple of Karnak in ancient Egypt. And Queen Nefertiti died from a toothache. There’s a lot of stuff spellcheck didn’t like, but it was okay with Nefertiti. I wonder how it will feel about the lake at the highest elevation on the planet. I like saying this one, it makes me think lascivious thoughts, not like I wouldn’t think this way without added reason. It is Lake Titicaca. I wrote this draft a while back, checking it now I realize I need to be clear. When I think of Titicaca, I think of titty-cock-uh what do you want to do next? Shoo you scat people, except Mr. Cruthers and Ella F..

Wiki says I’m wrong, the sequence is related to the Golden Ratio, but not to the Egyptians. Maybe so, I do sometimes make mistakes.

I’ll probably have a dream about doing Titicaca to Nefertiti now. I’m saving it as a draft, so I’ll let you know.

Nope, didn’t dream about Nefertiti. Do have a toothache now though. Actually not the tooth itself, a chip broke off and a jagged edge is irritating my lip.

I should check Netflix and Hulu, I wonder if Johnny is on either. I miss watching him. I like Jay, I like Jimmy Fallon too, not too crazy about Conan. Used to watch Letterman long ago. Watched his monologue after Palin kicked up a fuss. To me it was obvious that the joke she took offense to was not aimed at her youngest daughter. I would say that in general children should not be targets in political jokes. The difference would be if the candidate is pushing them into the spotlight or if the kid is drawing media attention to themselves. Fair or not, if you launch into a tirade because of a joke, you’re too thin skinned to be a politician. Someone will always cross the line and you might have to deal with that person later, so ignore the jokes unless you can fire back with a snappy comeback. In that sense politics is like junior high, ignore teasing {unless it escalates into bullying, gotta add that for a psa}, unless you have a snappy comeback or unless you want the teasing to get worse. They get bored if they don’t get a reaction. Physically Palin is not bad looking at all, IMO, I don’t care for the voice and I don’t like the politics though. Tina Fey is more appealing to me. Letterman did get Sonny and Cher on though.

This is Karnak,,r:0,s:0,i:163&iact=rc&dur=1962&page=1&tbnh=159&tbnw=318&start=0&ndsp=6&tx=142&ty=63

This is Carnac,,r:1,s:0,i:84&iact=rc&dur=6063&page=1&tbnh=184&tbnw=199&start=0&ndsp=9&tx=109&ty=77


The last two links are photos, not videos or text.

Not Another Turnip Dream

Actually no, I didn’t have another turnip dream. It was an unusual dream in any case. It was boring. WTF! I had a dream that I got up, went to work and had an uneventful routine day at work. I asked a shrink about dreams once, but I don’t think I mentioned the Turnip Dream. He was of the opinion that they might represent the subconscious trying to work out out some dilemma, or sometimes they can be random and not mean anything.

When you consider the commute, the time at work, etc, the average person spends the majority of their time in work related activities. I have frequently commented to coworkers that the difference between a job and a career is what would you do if you won the lottery. Most people would not opt for spending the rest of their life veging in front of the TV {or on-line blogging}, they would want something to occupy their time. That something is a career or profession. Profession in the sense of something you profess whether you charge money or not. The pictures I use here reflect what I would do. The one was taken while I was a physics major at the University of Northern Iowa and shows me adjusting items on a holography table, the other is me receiving the Governor’s Volunteer Award in 88 when I recorded books on tape for the Iowa Dept. for the Blind.

I know, I know, my tangents intersect the point I was making then proceed to infinity never intersecting again, that’s why it’s a TANGENT. The Dept always needed people to read math books, they tend to not have much of a plot, they’re boring, they have unusual words that not many people know. Geometry texts sometimes have a plot {so do cemeteries}.

There have been times when I’ve had a dream where I wake up, and it’s 1985 or 1986 and I’m still in the Army and the intervening years were a dream {probably my subconscious taking a theme from Dallas}. Thankfully it’s been quite a while since I’ve had one of those. I’m a sleepwalker too. The first time I knew I had been sleepwalking {as an adult} was while I was in Basic Training at Ft Bliss. I woke up while I was doing push-ups, my arms got tired. I became aware, but didn’t know why I was doing push-ups. I stopped at full extension, and a Drill Sergeant started yelling at me “Did I tell you to stop! Keep going!” Later I found out from my bunk-mate what I had done {I had thought my padlock on my locker was locked but it was stuck not locked}. I also talk and eat in my sleep. One time I dozed off on the couch, my wife and son were going somewhere so they went to wake me up. Apparently at first I said, “Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy.” They nudged me again and said you’re not busy c’mon. I said, “I’m cooking hamburgers. I’ll let you know when they’re done.” At which point they started laughing and that woke me up. There was also one time when I woke up with dried blood all over my face. That was a little freaky. After I washed it off I found a small cut towards the front of my scalp. They bleed like crazy. Then I walked around the house looking for blood on the floor to see if I could figure out what happened. I found a spot on the upper landing where the height would’ve been right if I missed a step. My wife didn’t freak out as much as I would’ve expected, {maybe she freaked before waking me and I just didn’t realize it}. The next day at work some of my coworkers noticed the cut. After I told them about falling while sleep walking they commented bet that woke you up. Actually no it didn’t.

And that takes me back to my coworkers. A couple of weeks ago stories were going around about one coworker putting a profile on a swinger site. In terms of that I did mention to a few coworkers that what she and her husband do at home is their business. Besides for someone to find that profile means they had to be perusing that site too. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks, and if they get their rocks off everybody can see. In her profile she mentions being kinky and non-judgmental, it does make me wonder how she would define kinky if she were to read some of the posts here. It also makes me wonder how judgmental she thinks the people at work are. I would probably not mention that to her because I really don’t know her very well. And she works a different shift so I never see her. I used to see her once in a while. One of those times I was getting ready to lock the gates, and without thinking I asked her if she preferred the front way or the back way. She looked at me and said, “I beg your pardon.” Then I realized how I had said it so I rephrased it, “I’m getting ready to lock the gates. Do you prefer to leave through the front gate or the back gate?” Then she smiled.

Tangentially, my great-niece posted something cute on FB. It was supposedly from a teacher. “Yes, I can tell when you’re texting. Most people don’t stare at their crotch and then smile.”

I replied, “Some people might.”

Now to see if I can figure out how to link to an earlier post.

I think it worked.