Monthly Archives: April 2013

Kill the Wabbit! Kill the Wabbit!

While I was in college a friend of mine had obnoxious neighbors, they would play annoying punk music very loudly. So one Sunday morning, just late enough to avoid noise ordinances, we played Ride of the Valkyries outside on his stereo. I don’t know if they heard it, but it felt good. It would be nice to be able to pump a signal into the car stereos of those people with the thumpa thumpa sub-woofers. It wouldn’t always be Wagner, I could see using the “Barney” theme or the Mister Rogers theme. My son had a stereo like that. He learned to turn it off at least six blocks from home. Not because of me, because someone broke out his car window and stole the stereo. I told him, you play that all the way into the driveway and everybody around knows that you have stereo, and then they know where you live, then they steal it when they see an opportunity.

On Facebook yesterday I saw a post that said, “Bugs Bunny, Where we learned about classical music and drag queens.” I thought it was kinda cute so I was going to post it here, but I couldn’t find a way to import it, so you get a text description. The picture they showed had Bugs dressed as the Valkyrie. There were quite a few toons where Bugs dressed up though. Who could forget Bugs dressed as a female Tasmanian Devil with the bear trap used for a kiss. I seem to recall the Barber of Seville, and the fat opera singer that didn’t like Bugs’ banjo music. I should look up the “Leopold” reference from that one. PBS carried a MET presentation of the complete “Ring” trilogy, I taped it on my VCR many years ago. It was eighteen hours long. It wasn’t over til the fat lady sang. Blond blue eyed Scandinavian BBWs with a spear and magic helmet who could ask for more? And how about those cross-dressing race car drivers from New York, I could say they’re Divine, but he died of sleep apnea many years ago.

I saw a nature program about Tasmanian Devils a long long time ago. They got their name because of the noise they make at night. They are the only marsupial that can unhinge their jaw like a snake and eat something bigger than their head. In the documentary I saw one of them tried to eat the night vision camera. It must not have been on Nat Geo because this page didn’t mention those two fun facts.

A few of my friends chastise me for living in the past, but I do enjoy some memories. In the 70’s when hardcore porn was harder to get, the standard for obscenity was that it had to have historical, cultural, or scientific value. That’s why there were so many sex manuals. Christina DeSchaeffer was a blond woman who made films for Caballero Home Video {Caballero Control Corp at the time}. She was also the actress used in the book 1001 Sex Positions. I had a classmate in Calc III that was a ringer for her. I would sit next to her in class and she would whisper stuff to me. Her lips would barely graze my ear, and her hot breath could drive me to distraction. I didn’t learn much in that class, but I sure enjoyed it. Actually the math and science departments should have been more diverse. There is an expression I learned in physics. “If in doubt, integrate.” There was another expression I learned. “If it crawls it’s biology, if it stinks it’s chemistry, and if it doesn’t work it’s physics.” I had Malaysian roommates for two years. You get to know all the foreign students when you hang around with some. There are sexy people all over the world, but they tend to be sexy in their own ways. Most sex appeal is due to the brain anyway. I was watching Leno’s Monday show last night on Hulu. He had Diane Keaton as a guest. She’s definitely showing her age more, but I thought she sure seemed sexy that night. Mostly it was because of the joking around and talking about Tantric sex. Other times when she’s been on she’s seemed really ditzy. Monday was good. Barbra Stanwyck was hot back in the day. Those days were a long time ago. She was born in 07.

I’m not even Brooke and I’m babbling. So I’ll say, QUOTE
Euclid’s Elements has been referred to as the most successful[5][6] and influential[7] textbook ever written. Being first set in type in Venice in 1482, it is one of the very earliest mathematical works to be printed after the invention of the printing press and was estimated by Carl Benjamin Boyer to be second only to the Bible in the number of editions published,[7] with the number reaching well over one thousand.[8] For centuries, when the quadrivium was included in the curriculum of all university students, knowledge of at least part of Euclid’s Elements was required of all students. Not until the 20th century, by which time its content was universally taught through other school textbooks, did it cease to be considered something all educated people had read. CLOSE QUOTE


Bipolar, Kodiak Moments

Hm, let’s parse this out. Bi {I think I can figure this one out} Pole {could be a Polish person, could be a Polish person’s package, or maybe just a package} R { Are what? Bi ?!? seems redundant, have to get back to it later} Kodiak {Bear, big bear, I think it’s getting clearer. Big Bare Polish Person’s Package, and Bi, meaning two, two big bare Polish Persons’ Packages}.

Okay, who had the giggity three-way with the Eskimo and the Penguin?

Were there Polaroids involved? {That happens when your hemorrhoids get frostbite.}

This clip is from Youtube, I do have a CD with Penguin in Bondage on it. I haven’t played any of my CDs in ages. I remember it as being an instrumental about 12 minutes long. This clip was considerably shorter and had some lyrics too. Memory must be going…..What was I saying? Oh yeah, the price of memory chips is a lot less than it used to be.


4-21 AKA Random Drug Test Day, Ho Hum Mundane Monday

A person I follow on FB had that post yesterday. I think it would work better as 4-22 since that is a Monday. But it does lose it’s next day impact. And if you’re worried you could always call in sick. Like so:

Now, if you do make it in, you might get stuck in customer service where you have to deal directly with the public. Like so:

Did I mention it was Hitler’s birthday on the 20th? He’s lucky it’s not closer to Christmas. He might get disillusioned. Like so:

Why did you let me make a fool of myself in front of Stalin? Priceless.

Monday is over now. Ho Hum generally signifies boring. Why is that? Not that I frequent prostitutes, but the vernacular today is Ho, Hum could very easily be construed as hummer. A prostitute that specializes in hummers would not be described as boring. At least I wouldn’t think so. Mundane, I’m sure Danish people want to know what you mean by Mun, and why are you singling them out? Victor Borge once commented that he was introduced as a Great Dane. He wasn’t sure exactly when they got the idea he was a dog.


Heil! Uh…. Er…. I mean Happy 420, and what about Try-Sexuals

On Family Guy they had an episode titled “Episode 420”. It was about pot. I didn’t get the reference so I goog1ed it. I guess it’s 4:20 somewhere. And that’s better than signifying the date. In addition to being close to Earth Day, April 20th was Hitler’s birthday. Probably the only people that remember that are either neo-nazis or law enforcement with the occasional historian thrown in. Family Guy refers to Hitler from time to time, including in Episode 420. I figure Seth McFarlane is probably the one who writes the song parodies. I do like the “Bag of Weed” song. Since I don’t see FG clips on youtube, they probably don’t share them. The music was from “Me Old Bamboo”, I wish I could dance like that. Lot of energy there.

Oh, almost forgot, try-sexuals, Isaac Asimov wrote “The Gods Themselves” and in it a group of aliens have three sexes instead of two. Yeah Yeah I know, I should call that TRI-sexuals then. But he has an incredibly erotic description of alien masturbation called “Rock-Rubbing”. It takes a leap of imagination to posit a third sex, a really dirty mind to picture alien masturbation, and a sicko like me to get turned on by it.

Not Another Turnip Dream

Actually no, I didn’t have another turnip dream. It was an unusual dream in any case. It was boring. WTF! I had a dream that I got up, went to work and had an uneventful routine day at work. I asked a shrink about dreams once, but I don’t think I mentioned the Turnip Dream. He was of the opinion that they might represent the subconscious trying to work out out some dilemma, or sometimes they can be random and not mean anything.

When you consider the commute, the time at work, etc, the average person spends the majority of their time in work related activities. I have frequently commented to coworkers that the difference between a job and a career is what would you do if you won the lottery. Most people would not opt for spending the rest of their life veging in front of the TV {or on-line blogging}, they would want something to occupy their time. That something is a career or profession. Profession in the sense of something you profess whether you charge money or not. The pictures I use here reflect what I would do. The one was taken while I was a physics major at the University of Northern Iowa and shows me adjusting items on a holography table, the other is me receiving the Governor’s Volunteer Award in 88 when I recorded books on tape for the Iowa Dept. for the Blind.

I know, I know, my tangents intersect the point I was making then proceed to infinity never intersecting again, that’s why it’s a TANGENT. The Dept always needed people to read math books, they tend to not have much of a plot, they’re boring, they have unusual words that not many people know. Geometry texts sometimes have a plot {so do cemeteries}.

There have been times when I’ve had a dream where I wake up, and it’s 1985 or 1986 and I’m still in the Army and the intervening years were a dream {probably my subconscious taking a theme from Dallas}. Thankfully it’s been quite a while since I’ve had one of those. I’m a sleepwalker too. The first time I knew I had been sleepwalking {as an adult} was while I was in Basic Training at Ft Bliss. I woke up while I was doing push-ups, my arms got tired. I became aware, but didn’t know why I was doing push-ups. I stopped at full extension, and a Drill Sergeant started yelling at me “Did I tell you to stop! Keep going!” Later I found out from my bunk-mate what I had done {I had thought my padlock on my locker was locked but it was stuck not locked}. I also talk and eat in my sleep. One time I dozed off on the couch, my wife and son were going somewhere so they went to wake me up. Apparently at first I said, “Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy.” They nudged me again and said you’re not busy c’mon. I said, “I’m cooking hamburgers. I’ll let you know when they’re done.” At which point they started laughing and that woke me up. There was also one time when I woke up with dried blood all over my face. That was a little freaky. After I washed it off I found a small cut towards the front of my scalp. They bleed like crazy. Then I walked around the house looking for blood on the floor to see if I could figure out what happened. I found a spot on the upper landing where the height would’ve been right if I missed a step. My wife didn’t freak out as much as I would’ve expected, {maybe she freaked before waking me and I just didn’t realize it}. The next day at work some of my coworkers noticed the cut. After I told them about falling while sleep walking they commented bet that woke you up. Actually no it didn’t.

And that takes me back to my coworkers. A couple of weeks ago stories were going around about one coworker putting a profile on a swinger site. In terms of that I did mention to a few coworkers that what she and her husband do at home is their business. Besides for someone to find that profile means they had to be perusing that site too. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks, and if they get their rocks off everybody can see. In her profile she mentions being kinky and non-judgmental, it does make me wonder how she would define kinky if she were to read some of the posts here. It also makes me wonder how judgmental she thinks the people at work are. I would probably not mention that to her because I really don’t know her very well. And she works a different shift so I never see her. I used to see her once in a while. One of those times I was getting ready to lock the gates, and without thinking I asked her if she preferred the front way or the back way. She looked at me and said, “I beg your pardon.” Then I realized how I had said it so I rephrased it, “I’m getting ready to lock the gates. Do you prefer to leave through the front gate or the back gate?” Then she smiled.

Tangentially, my great-niece posted something cute on FB. It was supposedly from a teacher. “Yes, I can tell when you’re texting. Most people don’t stare at their crotch and then smile.”

I replied, “Some people might.”

Now to see if I can figure out how to link to an earlier post.

I think it worked.

Okay, If You’re Holding a Drink, Set It Down

When I saw this on FB I about died laughing. Not too bad of a way to go.

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I spit coffee everywhere reading this!!!::::

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

END Quote.
And there was another cute post that I saw about four or five years ago. A guy {of course, pick on us guys} leaves a note. “Someone from the Gyna Colleges called and said your Pabst Beer was normal. When did you start drinking beer?”


Oh My It’s Takei not tacky,The Big O, The Story of O, and J

I was perusing around Wiki and Youtube today. Anyone that reads much of what I write has to know I like a good laugh. George Takei has a really good sense of humor. Sometimes it seems like half of the jokes on facebook are credited to his page. He is getting a bit older, as most of us do, so he might be getting grey.

As a preteen I remember looking at some magazines that talked about “The big O”. With the 60’s being the era of “Free Love” and all, you wouldn’t think so many women would be so repressed about their own sexuality. It was a “Hot” topic at the time. These weren’t the nudie mags aimed at men. These were women’s mags, guy mags would have pictures. Sometime after that I read “The Sensuous Woman” again with no pictures! I was a teen by then, some pictures would have helped in my own research of the male orgasm. Still and all it gave me some miniscule insight into what women want. And they all want something different {Hm, I’m about as different as anybody and yet I’m not in demand}. I also read “The Happy Hooker” by Xaviera Hollander. When I started this post I decided to look up when Ms Hollander died. She hasn’t yet. She is 69, how’s that for a coincidence? The author of The Sensuous Woman was listed as J on the cover. All about O by J, not too bad to wake up to I suppose. Notice I did NOT say, “The Story of O”, that is altogether different. Not my cup of tea, but

From approx. 1974-78 Club magazine featured more or less normal pictorials, but some rather extreme writings. I won’t go into details, I don’t want anyone to hurl. That includes hurling objects at my head.

I don’t have a point in bringing these things up. Epee and Snee, one has a point and the other doesn’t. So is it blunt or dull? Are paraphilias less interesting if you use the big words?


Does Aural Sex Lead to Hearing Aids?

I suppose if one likes phone sex it would be a good idea to have an aid in hearing such as a speaker phone or headset, hands free devices you know.

I wonder if the operator checks the caller I.D. to see if they are of age?

When the daughter of one of my coworkers was 18 or 19, she came into the office. She was very busty and proud of them. I heard someone refer to them as “Telephone Tits”. They try to reach out and touch someone. Good Ol’ Ma Bell had a good slogan there.

Maybe you want to send something in a plain brown wrapper to someone.

It amazes me how many of these there are.


Okay, Who wants to Carve The Noodle?

I wrote this blog post in March of 2006. Is that a sign of an out of control ego when you quote yourself? I will add a little something extra at the end too.

I was thinking back to my college days yesterday, and I couldn’t help but remember some culinary “Incidents.”

One summer I detasseled corn, horrible awful job. I was intending to make some bread rolls I could take out to the fields with me for lunch. I ran out of flour, but I noticed that my roommate had a box of Bisquik. I decided to use that for my bread. They ended up looking more or less like uncut hamburger buns. That was okay. I sliced them to use making sandwiches. Then I tasted one. It didn’t taste bad, but it definitely didn’t taste like bread either. It had the texture of bread and the flavor of saltines. What the hell, I put peanut butter on them and took them anyway. At lunch time, I was eating one, and one of the other detasselers asked me what I was eating. I told him peanut butter crackers. I said, “Here try a bite.” I tore off a chunk and gave it to him. He ate it, gave me a very odd look, then moved further away. It cracked me up then too.

Towards the end of my college career, I had a Malaysian roommate. He did most of the cooking, and I learned to love Malaysian food, especially their curries. After he moved out, I tried to cook Malaysian food. I went to the same store he went to. I bought the ingredients I had seen him buy. If I hadn’t been starving in those days, I don’t think I could’ve eaten it. I have since learned to cook a few Chinese dishes, with the help of cookbooks. But I also learned my lesson about trying to imitate ethnic cuisine without a good instructor or good instructions.

My last story was not my screw-up. It’s also one of my favorites. I still, twenty-seven years later, tease the guy who did this. He was another physics major and he liked me from the start. He invited me and two philosophy majors over for a spaghetti dinner. When I arrived, there were peas boiling, a skillet with browned hamburger in it, he was adding sauce from a jar to it. And there was the pot with the pasta in it. It was boiling. He tried to stir it without much success. I looked in the pot. I asked him how he had started it. He said he filled the pot 2/3 full with water, put in the spaghetti, turned on the heat. I asked him, “Was the water boiling when you added the pasta?” He replied, “No, should it have been?” I answered, “Well, unless you prefer your spaghetti this way, I would have waited for it to boil.”

The others arrived. We put the peas in a bowl and served them. We put the meat sauce in a bowl and served it. We drained the pasta, put it on a platter, I carried it in, put it on the table in all it’s glory. The 24 ounce package of spaghetti had fused into one large solid noodle. Heartless SOB that I was, I stated the title of this post.

I wrote that seven years ago and it still makes me chuckle. I’m still heartless too. Reading it now reminds me of a segment from Alton Brown’s show Good Eats, he’s talking about casseroles and he recommends using round pans because square ones will give you dry corners, and he adds “Unless you like dry corners.” That does bring up the subject of individual preferences. If you like it that way it’s not a mistake, or at worst it’s serendipity. I have that reaction to the Food Networks cooks that make dry coleslaw. I like the liquid at the bottom, I don’t want my coleslaw dry.

The Muppet Show has been syndicated in more countries than most other shows. It might actually hold the record. The reason? It’s incredibly easy to dub into different languages. The one character that gets slightly changed more than the others is the Swedish Chef. In Sweden he’s some other nationality.

And in other news Ikea found pork in it’s moose lasagna.

Moose Lasagna?


Joe’s Garage

I mentioned that I was having some tranny trouble, well, they adjusted the belt on the Fan, drained the Tranny Fluid, and the Caddy is back on the course. Dirty Gertie rides again.

That’s an 87 Cadillac with 280K miles on it for the non-pervs. It is running much better, and it was my mom’s car until she quit driving and all of her cars were named Gertie.

For the pervs out there, scrutinize this.

Frank Zappa, Joe’s Garage {three album set, two cd set re-released I think in the 90’s}. Notice, this is Dong Work for Yuda, there aren’t puppets involved. The hollow sounding character is the Central Scrutinizer who narrates all three albums.