Monthly Archives: March 2013

Now That’s REALLY Perverse

You ever think about that word, Per-Verse. Per meaning apiece or according to and verse meaning poetry. Maybe the apiece is where they get the deviant meaning. Poetry according to ??? an interesting conjecture. Sapho wrote erotic poetry on the island of Lesbos. I haven’t read any of the poems {I’m not really into Greek 🙂 }, but I’ve heard that they were very romantic poems as well. I don’t consider lesbians as a group as perverse, they’re getting more open about their lifestyle and being accepted as mainstream, and I don’t hear much about modern lesbian poets. I do consider myself as somewhat perverse, I’m a poet and didn’t know it?

I suppose one could write a definition of perverse as it relates to the unexpected, unexplainable, actions of some. In that regard I think of Steve Martin in Father of the Bride. He is sent to the store to get hot dogs and buns. The hot dogs are ten to a package and the buns are eight to a package. Then he flips put and starts ripping open packages. In some ways I shop like a guy, in and out, get it fast then go away. That is not true in grocery stores. I linger over the melons, check to see how firm the cukes and celery are, maybe pick up a tomato, check to see if there is a good pear, and buy a rump roast. I might ask how juicy the sausages are, depends on my mood. If I get that I’ll need Miracle Whip too.

There is one thing that really bugs me at the stores. The trash bags are 30 gal bags. I can’t find any 30 gal trash cans. They’re all 32 gal. What gives? Oh yeah, I need to get condom-mints too. Actually there is a bacon flavored condom.;_ylt=AjX41zJJ7I0tpNMq7PB8hYOsFWFH;_ylu=X3oDMTQ2OTk0NmdpBG1pdANBcnRpY2xlIFNlY3Rpb24gU2NpZW5jZQRwa2cDN2JjNmY4MjEtMjcxOS0zMTc1LWExZmYtNjhmMDY2N2Y4NTIzBHBvcwM1BHNlYwN0b3Bfc3RvcnlfY29rZQR2ZXIDNWIxY2Y1MzEtOTkzZi0xMWUyLWFkZWUtMzJkZGJmNDE1Mzg1;_ylg=X3oDMTNlZWU2bjE4BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDZjcwODkwYWEtNzI0Zi0zMWY5LWI4M2UtYzlkZjU3ZTlmNzFjBHBzdGNhdANzY2llbmNlBHB0A3N0b3J5cGFnZQR0ZXN0A040VV9ob21lcnVuYXBp;_ylv=3

Hm, I’ll have to preview this. That’s an unusual address.

One of my cousins described our great uncle as being full of piss and vinegar. I thought that was a rather colorful phrase with lots of potential visualizations. I also thought it was a negative description, I was wrong.

Part of it is negative anyway. Hm, I must’ve posted that link on facebook at some time. Some of my friends liked it. Drinking vinegar is a bit intense, and although vinegar is said to have healthful properties I can’t imagine drinking much of it straight. Some people say piss has healthful benefits too.

The last part of that page talks about the presence of melatonin in morning piss, and the difficulty of doing a double blind experiment. The mind reels with possible comments to that,{ Hey this doesn’t taste like MY piss! Who’s piss is it?}

I don’t know any poems about drinking piss or vinegar, at the site where I used to blog I did run into a blog with poetry about scat. He didn’t really seem to like visitors or comments. I have noticed that people with fairly extreme fetishes don’t generalize. A person with a leather fetish won’t substitute latex, Emetophiliacs aren’t into other bodily substances as a rule.

I guess I’ll stop before I gross out too many people. Remember, reading about something does not mean you want to do it.


Big Red Dildo, BBS, URL

Big Red, chewing gum? out of control high school football team?

Big Red Dildo — MMA punching bag. I thought it might be useful and help me burn a few calories. I wanted a freestanding one, not one hanging from a hook. It has water in the base to hold it upright and the upper part is filled with air. To me it looks like a 5 foot red dildo. I would put a picture here but that would show how cluttered my house is.

BBS, Bulletin Board System, precursor to the internet. Individual computer hooked to phone lines which users call using a phone modem. The movie “Wargames” has a kid who gets access to military computers. He thinks he’s playing a simulation game, but it’s real nukes. He uses an autodialer to call businesses that have multiple phones with the same prefixes. You call after hours and the dialer increments until it hits a data line. Then you have to guess a user name and password. A surprising number of people/companies don’t erase initial usernames. You guess them first.

Sysop, Systems Operator, the owner/manager of a BBS. This is the person who pays the phone bill and grants access. If you had e-mail especially prior to 1990, it was either at a private BBS or on Compuserve. Your “Browser” wasn’t called a browser, it was Comm software. Their site was a Board, most comm software would allow you to put your computer in “Host” mode. That essentially turned it into a BBS. Most BBSes ran software specifically designed for hosting though. One of the most common was “PCBoard”. Because it was common it was targeted by hackers. If you don’t want to have to worry about viruses or hackers, use an unpopular operating system. Or get a sandbox, that’s a virtual computer. Beware of where you get a sandbox, sandboxes are popular with the people that write viruses.

Ascii or Ansi art, early computer graphics {if you want to call it that} using characters to create a picture, like a mosaic. Nudes were the most common that I saw, maybe I was biased. Files that were in Ascii could be read by any wordprocessor. Later they would have the TXT extension.

URL, You Are what? *L* what’s that? *L* is the precursor of LOL, but that has nothing to do with URL. URL is a web address, that is not to be confused with UHF which is a TV band and a movie by Weird Al.

Dildo, Is actually spelled dill-dough and is the batter used to make deep fried pickles.

Master-bait, something to attract fish. An expert Angler is also a master-baiter.

Any Questions?


Cuddling, Every Thing’s Sweetness and Niceness, Until Someone Gets an Erection

My cousin posted that on her Facebook page. Hilarious. And like a lot of humor, being unexpected improves it.

I was reading a blog elsewhere last night, and Arch was describing his first sex teacher {or maybe his favorite sex teacher}. Anyway, he talks about attempting to conceal an erection. Are you happy to see me or do you have a zucchini in your pocket? He didn’t really say zucchini, cucumber, eggplant, nor even German Sausage. He said flashlight. In the U.K. they would refer to that as a torch. So carrying a torch for someone would be a good thing {provided they WANTED to see it.} This kind of brings up the subject of sexual comfort levels. Society has conditioned guys to be basically homophobic, with machismo to cover sexual insecurities. Guys are often afraid of having a hard on around other guys because they don’t want the other guys to suspect them of being gay. At least that’s how I interpret it. But like so many things, it’s more of a continuum. Some people are totally straight some are totally gay, and others fall somewhere in the middle. An interesting question for the homophobic male, do you like porn? Would you like porn where the guy couldn’t get it up? If not, then his erection is important to you. Lesbian sex is a common guy fantasy. Are straight women uncomfortable around lesbians? I think part of the male homophobia includes the fear that a gay guy would hit on you. Reality might be that he’s just not that into you. This one retiree used to avoid an openly gay coworker and that was one reason he would give. Uh, there’s like 30 years age difference, does being straight mean you want sex from ALL women?

Arch was attempting to conceal his erection from a female so most of that doesn’t apply. But then there is the subject of shyness. That ties in with exhibitionism and voyeurism. Like most guys I like to watch. I like to watch porn, I like to watch people in real life. I remember giving talks in a planetarium and showing people stuff through telescopes. After class I remember turning the telescope back towards the dorms. These were 8 inch Celestrons and they didn’t have an image rectifier on them. Everything is upside down and backwards. Which makes it looks really really weird to watch some people having a MFM in front of their window. That particular dorm didn’t often offer much viewing. There were two dorms called towers and in the sides facing the other tower would be voyeurs and exhibitionists. They would put on shows for each other. This was before the internet and the webcams.

Speaking of lesbian porn, the part that always turned me on most was the initial contact. Who touched first, who leaned into the first kiss, who was the first to sexually touch the other. I also like watching the moment of orgasm. I prefer watching that in real life. Porn just doesn’t seem that convincing, but kudos to Peter North for quantities, although that doesn’t fit with lesbian porn.


Darn Socks! The Pantyhose Were Hung By the Chimney With Care….

I bought socks Wednesday. When was the last time anyone darned a sock? To be darnable I would think it would have to be knitted, probably hand knitted. Does anybody ever even wear socks like that?

Not long after I got married my Mother-in-law knitted me a Christmas stocking. She passed away about five years ago. The stocking looks pretty much the way it did way back when. I kinda doubt that they ever wear out. They can get coal stuffed in them many many times. I was talking to one of my mom’s friends and she said that when they were growing up, they would hang up an actual sock that they normally would wear. Hm, you sure you want one of those low profile ankle socks instead of that over the calf tube sock?

Pantyhose would hold quite a bit. I can’t think about pantyhose without thinking about Meredith Viera though. On The View she mentioned that she doesn’t wear pantyhose and panties at the same time. Now I’ve got that visual in my brain for all time. But she’s cute so that’s okay. I like the smile and the twinkle in the eye when she’s flirty.


Tranny Trouble, It may be terminal, Big Dog Siriusly

My car is acting strange. It might be tranny trouble. My mom named all of her cars “Gertie” I don’t know why. I don’t recall ever seeing a Gertrude in the family tree/bush. But this was her car before mine. I tend to think of it as a male. Maybe that’s the problem. It wants to be “Dirty Gertie”. I suppose I’ll have to pull on the dipstick and see how the tranny fluid is. I’ll be getting a new tire for it in the afternoon. I’ll look on line to see what kind of lube my tranny likes. If there’s time I need to renew my DL too. You get 60 days to renew, I’m about half way there.

Big dog Siriusly? Sirius is in Canis Major, big dog.

In one sense we’re all terminal, this toon says it all.


Deer Oh Deer

Sometimes I can be rather crass and tasteless. Sorry Charlie, they want tuna that tastes good, not tuna with good taste.

I kind of feel like Rod Serling, I should have a cigarette in hand welcoming you to the Twilight Zone, or Night Gallery, or maybe News of the Weird. First Up, Wisconsin in Nov 2006.

Please don’t blame the messenger. I did nothing to the deer.

Arkansas Aug 2006.

I have never killed a deer. I have killed pheasants, squirrels, rabbits, various fish and turtles, and chickens for food. I have killed various rodents, insects, spiders, centipedes, and assorted creepy crawlies because I didn’t like them. In all cases I did try to be quick and as painless as possible. I did hit a deer with my car once. He ramped over it and ran away. He was running fast enough that I don’t think he could have been seriously injured. Later I did contemplate what I would have done if he had went through the windshield. I would probably have died. Antlers are somewhat formidable, but the hooves can be vicious. Buckled into a seat with little room to maneuver, it would be impossible to escape. I very seriously doubt that I could kill one with my bare hands. That means it would probably kill me. But, it wouldn’t eat me, and I doubt that it would have sex with me either. After I’m dead, I kind of doubt that I’ll really care what happens to my body.


I’ll try to not be disgusting tomorrow.

Did you have to pay a stud fee for that?

I’m speechless. Well, almost. You can’t shut me up that easily. I think I mentioned this on my old blog, but I didn’t link to it. They didn’t like links over there. You were always looking for the missing link.

Now, about this horse meat found in England in fast food, if it was fast food were they race horses.

Frozen meatballs from Ikea? Who buys food from a furniture maker?

And no, they didn’t pay a stud fee for that. Lousy cheapskates, that’s why you always get the money up front. No pay, no play.


Spoiler Alert — Zymurgy

I don’t read nearly as much as I used to. I was a bit odd in my reading choices too. I never seem to be even about such things. When I took two humanities courses in college I had already read most of the books. I found that stuff interesting. The names were challenging though. And there have been movies made based on several of those books. The Iliad and Odyssey were adventure stories. Anna Karenina, Crime and Punishment, Moby Dick, all good books, and supposedly they burn at Farenheit451. Unusual pathways develop in the brain though. Now when I think of Moby Dick I get a mental picture of one of Furball’s cab customers in a porno. Maybe Menelaus gets Helen in that porno, the name sounds like it. Did Orestes get arrested? Did Tolstoi tell a story? If you get an abridged version of the Iliad, do they scrub the part about Ajax? You can get Trojans at the drug store, where do you get Achaeans? I never made it through Don Quixote. For me it was like read 100 pages, laugh hysterically at the next five, read 100 pages, laugh hysterically at the next five, etc, such is the life of a Knight Errant. Candide lived in the Best Of All Possible Worlds, and even though I haven’t seen it the mind pictures Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets.

There is a small galaxy next to the Milky Way that is called Snickers. I’ve heard that the moon named Charon was named by an astronomer who’s wife’s name was Sharon {probably apocryphal and just an urban myth}. The Milky Way was named because it supposedly looked like the milk of Hera. Sometimes I wonder what human milk tastes like. I was breast fed, but it was such a long time ago and I don’t remember it. I do remember a coworker who used a breast pump at work when her child was very young. I never saw her use it, but I remember an extension cord going from the drinking fountain into the ladies room. She had really pretty blue eyes that no one ever looked at because of her great tits. All the women in her family were really hot. When I first started using Facebook, one of her sisters was someone I sent a friend invite to early on. She replied to my e-mail, “Do I know you?” She used to be a coworker too, and I described where and when she would’ve known me. It had been a few years, but she remembered me then.

Those coworkers were probably at least partly Scandinavian. While watching the women’s curling on the Olympics, I noticed the one team looked like blond blue-eyed sisters. That’s what those coworkers look like only with bigger tits. The Ring Trilogy is an 18 hour long opera, PBS aired it on Evening at the Met over the course of three days. Ride of the Valkyries is one of the times when the fat lady sings, but it isn’t over then. While I was in college a friend had some noisy neighbors, so fairly early one Sunday we took his speakers outside and played Ride of the Valkyries quite loudly. Before noon is early to a college student.

Before noon is even earlier to me now. I’ve worked nights almost my entire adulthood. When I graduated, I had applied to be a telescope operator at some of the observatories. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t get those jobs. I found out in the Army that I don’t like mountains. They never had us run AROUND the mountain. It was always up or down.

Happy St Pat’s, I’m off to cook some cabbage.

The title is from a comic strip called Robotman. R-man is reading when Gary walks up and asks him what he’s reading, it’s a dictionary. The plots a bit thin, but he’s wondering how it will end. Gary looks at the last page and says “Zymurgy”. In another part, R-mans friends are coming to visit, and they need directions. R-man hands the phone to Mr Milde. He says, “Do you know where the Cheese King on the corner is? Uh-huh, okay, hey, we’re the third planet from the sun right?” That strip had some good moments.

A Galaxy far far away,


Everything Old Is New Again

The thing about a bad memory is that a joke is as funny as it was the first time you heard it.

An acquaintance that I’ve never met posted a read only blog entry about dolls. Dolls that cost about six grand and come with a variety of customizable features was the specific topic. And actually the witty remarks that pop into my head aren’t really mine. On Family Guy Joe is in a place that sells those type of dolls. He remarks, “Why do they all look so surprised? STOP STARING AT ME!” And over at The Cleveland Show, Cleveland sees one of the other characters wrap a largish object up, stuff it in the trunk, drive out to the country and bury it. It turns out it was “Kimmy”, that character’s love doll. The Japanese seem to be ahead of us in this technology. If this was the Cold War era we wouldn’t have a “Love Doll Gap.” We would be Putin it to Vlad.

One of my coworkers made an interesting observation, “Strap-On” spelled backwards is “No Parts.” Kind of makes you wonder about my job huh.


Orbital,not an orb, not in orbit

I bought new socks Monday. I had a flat tire and I couldn’t get it fixed until Monday, then I bought socks. Standard white cotton gym socks. I have tried compression stockings, AKA support hose, AKA diabetic socks, AKA cute black nylons that do absolutely nothing for me.

What does that have to do with the title. I could say it’s a but actually it was an older strip called the Neighborhood. Florence’s support hose gave her encouragement, they had little voice balloons coming out of the socks, it’s a sort of joke.

To make a long story longer, socks make useful polish rags. When the heels start to get thin and holes start appearing, they get washed one last time then stuck in the rag bag. If you take a piece of plastic and trim it to the correct size, put it into the sock, and then put it on an orbital sander, it can be used as a buffer. It probably should not be used as a masturbation aid. Old cotton underwear or plain tees make pretty good gun cleaning patches. Obviously they need to be cut to fit. The elastic can be used to hold up trash can liners. My only real problem with lots of people having guns is that there are way too many people that can’t hit the broad side of a barn. Petroleum Jelly will help loosen up new leather, but I don’t recommend mink oil as a sex lube. If you need to use pepper spray for defense, wash your hands BEFORE using the bathroom. Never walk directly behind donkeys, never even think about walking behind a skunk, but if you do tomato juice/sauce does work, curious dogs might end up being red for awhile. {ketchup and hot dogs}

Bear in mind, I’m normal for Iowa.