Monthly Archives: April 2014

An Aria for Karma? Habanero? Sounds Spicy

Now if it was Carmen that would be Habanera. I watch Family Guy too.

But Karma is only a bitch if you are. I was reminded of that yesterday at work. I was talking with someone about a particular supervisor. She reminds me of Dennis Rader in some ways. Nice as pie to your face, but let something go wrong and it’s the night of long knives. I was reminded of one particular incident where someone who had some attendance issues didn’t call in. She was gleeful about being able to list him as AWOL. Yeah, he was AWOL. He was DEAD lying on his basement floor. No he didn’t call in and get prior approval. Don’t talk to me bitch, I don’t even want to know what Karma has in store for you.

He died over 10 years ago, but where I work there are a lot of long term employees. I don’t know if he died then fell down the stairs, or if he fell down the stairs then died. But they didn’t find him for like 3 days. AND HE DIDN’T CALL IN FOR ANY OF THEM! And he wasn’t like Jesus and show up for work after being dead three days.

I feel better after that rant.

A Plaque of Locusts, Are They Playing Twister?

I have my doubts. I don’t think plaque forms on mandibles, but I could be wrong. I’ve never looked a gift locust in the mouth. Locust could also refer to the tree. I have a very large very old senile locust tree in my back yard. How do I know it’s senile? As long as I’ve lived here {1995} that tree doesn’t bud out or get leaves until like July. And it won’t drop the leaves until January. I have a hard maple in my side yard. I don’t think it’s crazy, but it does have some bad luck. It’s been hit by lightning twice during my time here, and it has a scar from an earlier strike. In July 2009 we had straight line winds that broke three utility poles outside my house {one was across the street}. Both trees made it through that. I didn’t have electricity for 5 days. I made the rounds to the camping stores. And I brought my battery chargers to work. I’ve got some Lilacs too. It’s been cold. They haven’t even budded. The weatherman mentioned one year when we had 6 inches of snow in late April and 100 degree temps one week later. I guess if people are going to blame the messenger he wants to remind them of even weirder weather. I don’t remember which year that was but my lilacs were in bloom and the snow made them get all deformed and strange.

We got lucky this time. No twisters in my part of the state, but southern Iowa did see some.

Things have been getting weird lately. Politics has always been a bit demented in Iowa. We tend to have both extremes. For the Senate we usually elect one of each. They cancel each other out that way. If they do agree on something It’s either going to be really good or really bad. In the 88 election we started getting a lot more media coverage. And the talking heads all seemed surprised at how “Nice” Iowans were. Dave Berry described the state as semi-obscure and Ice encrusted.” That explains why we’re nice. If you kill someone outside your house, or if you don’t save someone passing through your yard, they’ll turn into an icicle until June. And then they start to smell. Much more pleasant to just be nice to people.

The plague of politicians will be descending soon enough. Maybe a twister will pick ’em up and drop a house on them in Kansas. Locusts would be better.

Maybe if we got some Tranny Sisters in a field we could see moss on the complimentary conductor in that semi. It’s a Peterbilt! If that made any sense to you, GET HELP, you’re delusional.


Contempt Of Court And Other Dating Hazards

“Froggy went a courtin’ He did ride uh-huh.” Woo Coo, I mean ribbet. Language changes in the strangest ways. Sometimes it’s even weirder when it stays the same.

If you don’t like tennis is it contempt of court?

If you date someone for rational reasons does that mean you’re using carbon-14 to find out how old they are?

Why is Sue on the courts so much?

If you take a deposition from someone do you depose them? This one was actually in the local paper. It really bugged me when the reporter said they deposed some witness. Really? When did he take power?

When chemists form a labor organization and reduce free electrons how do they pronounce Unionize?

How do Bill collectors get money from people not named William?

My day is off to a roaring start, so sayeth Leo


How To Get Ahead Idi Amin Style

French Dressing, Polish Sausage, German Brats {maybe even with Kraut}, wait a minute, it was an Eskimo Pie.

Yes cannibalism jokes are in bad taste, Charlie Tuna notwithstanding. There was one member of the Donner Party that opened a restaurant after they finally arrived in California. Still, I saw this over the weekend.

From February, so I didn’t notice right away. Get enough Hollywood people going there it could be a five star restaurant.

No cruelty intended, humor is my way of processing.


For Real?

Are you sure you’re real? Sometimes I think that I’ll wake up, it’ll be November 1985, and all the intervening time will have been a dream a la Who Shot JR.

Thankfully I haven’t had one of those dreams in a long long time. But dreams do have the capability of compressing time. I had a dream about a turnip that seemed like it lasted over 12 hours, but when I woke up only 20 minutes had elapsed. That was no ordinary turnip either.

For real!

In Re: AL = REAL

Now AI would be artificial intelligence. So AL is Artificial Life?

Could be.

Assisted Life?

That really doesn’t sound fun.

Assisted Lesbians?

Well that sounds like a whole lot more fun, but if they wanted MY assistance they would be Bi and not lesbian.

AL, hm, … Al?

Could be

Albert Camus?

Well that’s rather an existential question isn’t it. I tried reading L’Etranger during or after high school. I found it easier to read “The Stranger”. Easier to read, but still unfathomable. Speakings of fathoms, I would call that going off the deep end. I didn’t really get existentialism then. A meaningless existence, descriptive not a goal, I got that it was meaningless, I didn’t get that it was a condemnation of shallow materialism and banal relationships. Relationships can be the bane of one’s existence. An example,

Camus deplored that lack of concern that the ordinary person showed towards the Nazi occupation of France. Mostly in terms of the Vichy government passing laws against Jews and nobody except the Jews cared. April 20 is Hitler’s birthday. Neonazi groups like to do stuff on that day. 420 is also a number associated with pot use. One can hope that the Nazis get stoned enough to not do anything, and average Joe stays clear headed enough to notice if they do try something.


Good Guys Penetrate

Good guy, well that would be a hero.

Penetrate, go in what else

So Hero goes In

Hero In

Heroin, not generally regarded as the same thing as above. I do enjoy wordplay. I’ve had that in the back of my head for quite a while. I was saving it for some drug related theme, but when Joel wrote Imperfect = I’m perfect. I had to post.

Mentally playing Hey Jude

Que Si At The Bat

One of my favorite Britcoms is Fawlty Towers. It was made quite a while back, but it isn’t dated. It is slapstick though. And like a lot of art it provides a window to the soul. Mostly, that particular program shows how people feel some sympathy for the totally clueless. John Cleese plays Basil Fawlty. If you objectively consider how he acts and how he treats others, he is an awful person. BUT, people LIKE him. I’ve heard speculation that the reason people like him is that he has no control and simply reacts to things. The character of Cybil Fawlty is composed, reasoning, and although reacting is reacting in a more controlled way. Audiences aren’t very sympathetic to her. Andrew Sachs plays Manuel, the bellboy/waiter from Barcelona who understands very little. He is the character audiences like best. It is from a routine between him and a guest with a hearing aid that gave me the title. Kay, see what I mean.

I remember listening to a radio interview program called Fresh Air. I specifically remember the interview with Andrew Sachs. I’ve listened to interviews with John Cleese, but I can’t remember if it was that same program. I think the actors were a little surprised at the sympathy viewers had for Basil. He treats people very badly, yet is a sympathetic character. I wonder if it was that show that inspired John Cleese to do other “Obnoxious” bits like his video “How to Annoy People.”

Cleese is well known to fans of Monty Python as well. Connie Booth plays a major character in Fawlty Towers and was in a number of Monty Python bits. I didn’t realize until much later that she was married to Cleese. Carol Cleveland was in more Monty Python routines, usually in the role of the busty girl. The development of audio and visual media have allowed people to realize just how hot previous generations were. Everybody knows that their parents had sex {I guess nowadays you could be the product of in vitro fertilization}. But do you really think they ENJOYED it? And what about Grandma and Granddad, did they do it too? If you can see them at their prime it’s a little easier to imagine. Imagining it is not a real healthy activity though. If one watches shows that were made quite a while back, it’s still possible to think, WOW, they were HOT! It doesn’t bear considering how old they would be NOW. In my VHS porn collection I had one film from 1918, 2 or 3 from the 20’s, one from the 30’s. Those people are probably all dead now. And didn’t they have dentists in the 20’s? Probably the only equipment was pliers. I recall a Laurel and Hardy film that showed showgirls dancing. By today’s standards they were a little chunky. I prefer women to look like they’ve eaten after puberty. I’ve never been an admirer of the Holocaust look. The tops they were wearing were thin enough to see the dancers nips. They didn’t have the ratings board or much censorship in the early days of film. Some strange trivia is that there was a group complaining about all the swearing in silent films. They were lip readers. Lillian Gish once said that the reason so few stars made the transition from silents to talkies wasn’t because they had weird voices {a few did have weird voices}, but it was because they had to learn lines. In the silents they could go out and party all night and still make a film the next morning. It’s not so easy if you have to study.


It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature

Because she will be a bitch and fuck you up. No the last line wasn’t in the commercial. Today {Saturday} was the first day over 70 here. It was 83 according to the thermometer in my vehicle. In other words, HOT. I actually expected that. It’s been so cold for so long here, I knew that we would just skip spring and start summer. What I didn’t figure on was that summer would be one day and then we would skip fall and go back to winter again. I haven’t checked today, but last night they were predicting a chance of snow tonight. WTF! I saw some lightning, but I just ignored it. I’m inside and I’m not like the forest ranger that was struck 7 times.

Speaking of Mother Nature, Dena Dietrich played Mother Nature in the commercials

Sometimes I get nostalgic for the old commercials

And none of it made in China. Prior to Nixon we really didn’t trade with China.


It? It!?! IT!!! My Baby isn’t an IT!!!!

A quote from Jerome Klapka Jerome around 1890 to 1900. At that time he was lamenting the predicament a young man can find himself in when presented with a young mother and child. At that time they dressed babies, ALL babies, in white. There was no convention about blue and pink. He advised young men to NEVER refer to the child as it. If he calls the little boy her or calls the little girl him, the mother and accompanying women will simply smile at him as if he is an imbecile. If he should absently call the child it, fury from said women will be unleashed.

About ten years ago the wife of my coworker Dave had a baby. One night wife and child visited our breakroom so the ladies in the office could see the baby. A former coworker {she later quit, thankfully} was on break at the same time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman with less maternal urges. She was visibly annoyed when the crowd started piling up. I happened to glance her way and saw her scowling. An “If looks could kill” type of scowl. No one else noticed. It amused me. Actually it amused me that she was basically always pissed off. And it was very easy to really get on her nerves. After she stopped talking to me I used to make it a point to walk by her and say Hi. She would never respond, and after a while stopped making eye contact. I was telling one of my other coworkers about it, and he gave me some advice that I started heeding. He pointed out that if she ever flipped out and started shooting, I might be high up on the list from those Hi’s.

I hear they might make a “Goonies II”. The one guy was described as an it. He was a good it though.

When I think of Tony Randall I think of Felix Ungar. I’m sure a lot of other people do too. I could compare and contrast the Greatest American Hero, and the Meadow Party’s presidential candidate. The first is William Catt, the second is Bill the Cat. When I moved to what basically amounted to a small farm in 1981 there was a cat that wandered in from the fields. It bore an uncanny resemblance to Bloom County’s Bill the Cat {thank you Berkeley Breathed}. It was orange and black, sort of, it had mange or something that caused a significant amount of fur loss. It was very friendly. It would wander by linger for a half hour or so then go back into the fields. While it was hanging around it would go from person to person and rub his neck on your lower leg. Then he would put his nose in the cuff and blow big wads of snot all over your pant legs. He was very friendly, but the world was his handkerchief. William Catt also made a movie called “House”. I enjoyed the movie, and I was expecting to watch it the first time I watched the show called “House” about the doctor.

Now for Mr. Throatwarbler-Mangrove pronounced “Smith”. That was Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition you know. The was also a sketch about Mr. Smoketoomuch. He enters the outer office and the receptionist, {played by the very busty Carol Cleveland} greets him by asking, “Are you here to book a holiday or did you want a blowjob?” They changed that line for American TV audiences. They didn’t think we could handle a blowjob.

Gotta love that Brit sense of humor. Jerome K Jerome’s writing style was similar to James Thurber’s. I don’t know if Thurber read J’s books or not. I was introduced to “Three Men In A Boat” thanks to Robert Graves. I watched Masterpiece Theatre’s “I, Claudius” back in the 70’s. I really enjoyed that. I decided to read the book. That was really good. I started reading all of Robert Graves’ books. Then I read “The Antigua Stamp”. Hated it. It pissed me off. Neither of the main characters was particularly likable. But when choosing between a malicious bumbling idiot and a malicious evil genius I have a modicum of more sympathy for the former. As a Southern friend of mine would say, “Bless his heart, he just don’t know any better.” It would seem Mr Graves disagrees with me. And he made fun of “Three Men In A Boat.” That was all the incentive I needed to read that book. It was hilarious. And not all that dated for being that old. It just goes to show that people are people regardless of their location in the space time continuum.

Plato had some unusual ideas about reality. The world we see is an imperfect image of the ideal. The ideal is the reality in a metaphysical bizarre sense. That would seem to make Platonic relationships even weirder. If it’s Platonic it’s strictly intellectual not sexual. That doesn’t really seem to follow. And it would make Plato’s Retreat positively boring if no one had sex. I wonder if they have Glory Holes there. Glory Glory Hallelujah, The Lord Has Cum. I know. I’m going to Hell for that one. Gotta find a Holy Man.